Word of the Year 2021

Many years ago at the behest of a friend, I began choosing a “word of the year.” As a writing enthusiast, this idea appealed to me. In the daily routines of work and life, I seldom found time to write. Now it has become a yearly ritual. By New Year’s, life has quieted to those few days or even moments, between holidays and big pushes to the finish line in life, creating a tiny unscheduled bubble for clarity and opportunity. I am able to sit myself down at the computer, reflect on the year and write. These few moments to breath, reflect on the past year and vision help me to center and ground for the year to come. There is something about pulling a chosen word into consciousness and visiting it time and again throughout the year. It can help me hold onto the tiny points of connection between my chosen word, inner self, and the bigger life around me. My word helps me stay tethered to myself, offering ballast against being swept away in the constant care and needs of others.

I started writing this blog post weeks ago, intending for it to be done and dusted the week of New Year’s. But it wasn’t. Well, it was. But I could not yet see the New Year. I could not yet emotionally free myself to be in 2021. Then the insurrection at the Capital took place on January 6 and well…back to the emotional paralysis that defined life for so much of 2020.

Now, a week after inauguration, with a sane person in the oval office and the transfer of power complete, I finally feel like it is a new year. I have not breathed this easy in four fucking years. If you never understood what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship, the last four years is a great example. Up was down, black was white, there was no continuum for right and wrong and the ethical compass didn’t just break, it was shattered. It was shattered much like the glass ceiling was CRUSHED last Wednesday, as Kamala Harris was sworn in as vice-president and then Amanda Gorman took the stage to give voice to the power of youth and democracy. Extra security kept folks safe from everything except the beautiful shards of crystalline glass shattering like snow and light from over the Capital dais. Now it is a new year. Now I can begin this new circle around the sun.

Healing is my world of the year for 2021. Healing for me has been a life long journey of working through internalized feelings and experiences, retraining myself to access healthier coping responses instead of trauma based ones, rewriting scripts of self talk I used to play that were not even my own voice, but that of others. Healing took on another new layer 2 years ago following a concussion. I am still relearning how my body and brain work.

I have overcome so much in my nearly 50 years circling the sun. This year, everything in my bones is calling me to focus on deeper exploration of that healing journey. This is a year to explore, document, examine, renew and reclaim that wisdom. Earned through fire and love and just plain life, it’s time to go deep.

The challenge will be to stay in it. I will want to run. There will be times that I will prefer to numb out, anesthetize, minimize or otherwise dissociate from the work of healing. There will be times that I simply must take a break. Part of healing is allowing time and space for deep and restorative rest and care.

I can’t say I look forward to the work. I do look forward to the outcome.

I am committed. I am ready. I have focused on others for so very long. I am choosing myself.