Fat Is Not a Feeling

“Fat is not a feeling.” Sit with that statement for just a moment.

If you find this to be an obvious, matter of fact statement, then good for you. If you experience revelation, enlightenment, or knowing deep in your bones when you read this, you are my people.

Recently, while listening to my favorite podcast, Hear to Slay hosted by Dr. Tressie McMillan Cottam and Roxane Gay, I was introduced to cookbook author, Julia Turshen. The discussion was about food and Julia’s new book, Simply Julia, 110 recipes for healthy comfort food. The discussion focused around Julia’s journey to creating this book. Topics of body image, fat justice and body integration held me rapt. During the discussion, Julia shared that most her life she primarily experienced 1 of 2 feelings: feeling fat or feeling happy.

Holy shit.

Yes, of course. From a factual standpoint, fat is NOT a feeling. As a licensed clinical social worker, one would think I’d have grasped that. I did, I mean I do; for other people. But until I heard someone speak this sentence out loud and felt the RUSH of air flowing out of my lungs I had not thought of it in this way. It was so right, that I had to place a hand on the counter just to feel grounded.

 Julia went on to explain that for much of her life, she categorized emotions into only two primary feelings: Fat or happy. You could feel fat, or you could feel happy. Oh my goodness. It took me decades to unravel that shit. Now, on the verge of turning 50, I am still unpacking.

Fat is a separate thing than feelings and emotions. But I am here to tell you, that for me, this is not how it worked. In my mind, fat and feelings were fired together so often that at some point, they wired together. I learned the lessons, internalized them and from then on feelings and fat were hard wired into my psyche. Mission accomplished!

No matter how smart, accomplished, enthusiastic, creative, active, loving, funny, pretty, polite or good I was, none of that alone, or collectively, would rebalance the fat equation. Feelings and fat were twins. There was always that unspoken caveat of “think how much more (insert emotion, adjective, accomplishment) you would be if you lost weight. It was said SO MANY times that after a certain point no one had to say it anymore because I simply said it to myself. For me, I think that hard wiring was complete somewhere around 5^th grade. By the age of 10 no one ever had to mention my weight again because I had fused “fat” to personal traits, outcomes of my energy, social situations and feelings.

Fat was a thing. Happiness could only be obtained if I was no longer fat.  Mistakes would be more easily overlooked if I wasn’t also fat. I didn’t feel allowed to be “fully sad.” Of course I was sad, I was fat. I would certainly feel less sad if I was less fat, so surely the thing I was sad about was not that big of a deal and I was taking it too hard. Failure is hard enough. But at least if a thin person fails they are still thin. Tired because I had worked myself to exhaustion? “You wouldn’t be so tired if you weren’t so fat.” Socially, professionally and in public spaces, the message was “You are too big to be this assertive, excited, etc. because you will take up too much space and make a scene.”

Then there were the really damaging pairings:

“We would not have to say these things to you if you weren’t so fat.”

“People will find out you are an imposter and that you are fat if you don’t dazzle them with over-producing and distract them from your fatness with extraordinary over-achievement and productivity.”

“Yes, you are angry, but really you don’t have a right to be this angry because you are fat. Do you really expect to be respected and heard like other people?”

Then there were the compliments. This is where it got dicey. In the decades I have spent unpacking life as a fat woman, I have come to understand the hard wiring of emotions to fat. But the pairing of accomplishments to fat took longer. Any accomplishment or compliment could be paired with one of few phrases designed to negate any kudos. Those went like this:

 “If only you weren’t (so) fat.”  

“If only you were thinner.”

“Just think how much better that would feel if you were thinner.”

Won the spelling bee? “That’s great! Good job! Just think how much better that would feel if you were thinner?” “You look so nice today! Now just think how much prettier you would look if you wore a smaller size.” “You have such a beautiful face. Just think how much prettier you would be if you didn’t weigh so much.”

These statements are always harder to deal with because I have been lulled into a sense of security by the compliment, so the back handed slap catches me off. I had not braced for this. It takes longer to replay it and be sure I heard what I thought I heard before responding. Those are usually in social situations which used to make it much more awkward and uncomfortable to address. Newsflash in case you in the back haven’t cottoned on yet, but you won’t be bringing one iota of new info to the topic. These days, awkward or not, I will likely let you know that. If I don’t, please know it’s because it was my choice not to address it, not because I missed it, didn’t understand it, or was made to feel small by it. It’s most likely because I have chosen to be respectful of my host, and it will color how I feel about you moving forward.

Wow. Wow. Wow. That “fat is not a feeling” phrase landed on my heart! In that one moment of listening, it felt like decades of therapy, personal growth and healing slipped into place.

The difference these days is that I love myself a lot more. My boundaries are healthier. I’m much kinder to myself. I’m more likely to tell you what you can do with the back handed compliments or concerns about my health. Of course I still have those “gotcha” moments, and yes, they still hurt, especially when they are from people who are close and should know better.

I am also the happy, elated recipient of a generation of younger women who are taking the fat fight to the front. I am so grateful to hear and see so many fat justice advocates and writers, public health and mental health providers, fashion designers, and just plain women who are simply not willing to take that shit anymore. I cannot imagine how my life could have been different if these role models would have been available to me when I was growing up. Fat justice is a feminist issue, but it needs to include everyone.

It feels so good to write this! To have one phrase that speaks to a lifetime of baggage, solidifying decades of deeply painful, personal work. I encourage you to take an hour to listen to this podcast. If you are one of “my people” then you simply must listen. Give yourself the gift of self-care. Shut out the noise and appreciate being in a “fat-free feeling zone” for an hour.

Thank you Julia Turshen! (and of course Tressie and Roxanne!)

If you know a good screen printer, let me know, because “Fat is not a Feeling” is a t-shirt I want to own!