Own that Ass

“If you own the story, you can write the ending. If you deny the story, the story owns you.“

Brene Brown, Rising Strong

A couple of years ago I had some boudoir photos taken. I was at a place in brain injury recovery where getting dressed and to rehab was the basic extent of my life. I was living in yoga pants, t-shirts, sports bras. I had not felt good for so long.

I had initially found myself intrigued by the idea of a boudoir shoot several years prior after a friend did one. At the time I thought it was a very cool and terrifying idea. I thought there was no way I’d ever have the nerve to do something like that. Besides, I didn’t want to make a fool of myself trying to look like “those other women” and my partner would not be turned on by me in ill fitting lingerie trying to look like one of those “thin girls.”

A last minute opportunity presented itself and thankfully, I didn’t second guess myself and went for it. I knew if I didn’t say yes right then I would regret it and file it away in the “Things I am not allowed do as a fat girl” folder. I was tired of that voice. Would I love the experience?  Maybe not. Would I be facing into something that I wanted to do but scared me? You bet. I went in with no expectations other than I knew it felt both scary and necessary. I was listening to my gut and intuition instead of my brain.

The experience I had was so far beyond what I could have expected. I had zero stress, no crisis of confidence and not only did I not regret my choice, by the time I was dressed for the first photos I was already feeling at the top of my best game ever just from making the decision. The genuine body positive environment Sam and her team create is incredible. They allowed me feel not only okay about, but invited me to take up some space and it felt wonderful!

When I came back for the photo reveal I was blown away. Sam is a true artists. She uses lighting and angles and sheets and a bit of tech magic to do extraordinary things. She tapped into me. She saw me. These are not just good photos. They are me, they are my voice. They highlight my best exterior features and my strongest interior fears met and conquered. And they are stunning.

Samantha is not just an amazingly talented photographer. She is an artist who uses a camera to address aspects of women that so many of us are disconnected from. Her camera and the photos she produces are far from the end product. They are exceptional. But Sam is the real agent of change. Her camera, the experience she and her team create and the photos that emerge are a tool for celebrating and empowering all women. Sam set out to be an artist and a business woman. Along the way, she became a champion of body positivity and through her intelligence, kindness, effervescence and artistry; she became a therapist and a healer too.

Because of my outward facing role in our community, I chose not to provide a release for Sam to use these photos. I don’t regret that decision. At the time it was the right decision for me, both professionally and in my own body consciousness journey.

Since that time though, things have changed. I am still fat; I still struggle with many of the internal and external challenges that come with that. But these days, I see a much bigger picture.

I see women who are younger than me fighting to be fat in a world where most of society continues to align fat with “less than” which is ironic as fuck when you really think about it. Fat equates ugly, undisciplined, abnormal; slovenly…..I could go on for days with those adjectives. Fat is the last frontier. I can’t talk about your race, gender, ethnicity, without be shredded, but within any of those groups, we have carte blanch to talk about people’s weight.

It’s true I don’t fit in a lot of chairs with arms or many restaurant booths. Yes that is awkward. Anymore though, it’s more awkward for the host or hostess that doesn’t discern this for themselves and I assertively and directly ask for what I need.

Finding clothes can be a real bitch. I’m grateful to see more plus size models, and appreciate it when those models are size 24 or 30 vs. size 14. I am super pissed when plus size catalogs use size 8, 10 and 12 models and then clip the fabric behind them, so we can’t even see how a garment is actually cut for or will hang on a bigger body.

My knees sometimes hurt, I don’t exercise enough and I have issues with food. It’s also true that I’m smart, funny, caring, loving, a tremendous champion of my friends and clients, SO loved, and an agent of positive change in our world. I work hard, am a caring partner, a responsible daughter and a damn fine person. And you know what? I’m sick to death of people in the world and in my life judging me, and others, first by size. You are not inside us. You don’t know our story.

I cheer my friends who go on a weight loss journeys and hit small or large goals for themselves. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I have been on that roller coaster many, many times. I am here for you, and will cheer you on as you do you. I’m talking about a bigger idea…one that allows me to be me.

I once had a hairdresser who said “I don’t know what your problem is honey, but it isn’t your hair!” So whatever is holding you back isn’t your weight isn’t your scar, birthmark, shape, arms, tummy, BODY. Whatever is holding you back is inside. Whatever journey you are on, I hope you will embrace your intuition, your courage and keep moving forward. We have been held back for far too long.

I have another boudoir shoot scheduled for my 50^th birthday and I am really looking forward to that, because me at 50 is evolved, empowered, integrated. I want those pictures to show how I feel inside about myself. That inside is not fat, thin or in between. She is beautiful, strong, finding ways to manage what life throws at her, striding toward her best self, growing and learning, enjoying the life she has built with an amazing partner and she is finally, despite ALL the decades of fat shaming bullshit she has endured, owning her incredible ass.