Battery Life

 
 
 
 
My phone battery is low. I plug it in. It recharges. As soon as I start to use it again the battery indicator light starts to drop like a rock. It reaches a point where it’s just best to keep it plugged in all the time because it just can’t hold a charge. Pretty soon, it’s clear that a new battery, or, damn the luck, an expensive new phone, is going to be needed. 
  
My brain battery is low. I sleep overnight and it recharges. As soon as I start to use it again the brain indicator lights start to signal. How much time do I have? What can I get done before the brain battery goes dead again? I take a nap to recharge it but it doesn’t hold that little charge for long. It’s too soon to plug it back in for an overnight recharge. But the indicator light is in the red now and it won’t hold anymore. Unlike a phone, I can’t just keep it “plugged in,” constantly charging while in use. I need a new brain battery. I would pay any price to be able to run down to the Apple store and get a new one. 
  
 As the indicator light drops, 
 so does impulse control. 
  
 As the indicator light drops, 
 so does frustration tolerance. 
  
 As the indicator light drops, 
 so goes attention and focus. 
  
 As the indicator light drops, 
 so does processing. 
  
 As the indicator light drops, 
 so does the ability to manage emotions. 
  
 As the indicator light drops, 
 so does my “old” skill set that ran on the full green charge, 
 replaced now by a set that eeks by in the red zone. 
  
I hate the way this feels. It’s miserable to compare my “now” to “then.” I try not to do it as often as I once did. It just makes me sad, frustrated and angry. I miss being able to hit that last “power boost” at the end of a day or project in order to have something wrapped up and completed. Now I just give up and walk away in a daze, leaving it for another day, unsure when I’ll have the power boost to complete it. I miss being able to have an in depth discussion with my spouse at the end of the day and really focus on him and be emotionally present. I still care deeply, it’s just harder to attend. I feel frustrated that emotions are so close to the surface for me now, so much of the time: tears come easily with aphasia, processing, emotional expression and sometimes, for no reason at all other than I’m awake. It often takes several hours of being awake, fuzzy brained, tearful and slow before I can’t begin focused projects, interact with the word or process. Once I do begin those tasks, the battery life begins to plummet and the whole cycle begins again.
  
I’m trying to build a better battery, one that is a hybrid model running on more than pure fuel. This one uses fuel, strategy, rest, toggling of tasks, lists. It’s built by offloading everything I don’t have to hold onto in my brain and putting them on paper in order to extend battery life: More listening to audio books and podcasts, less reading; more speech therapy and vestibular therapy, adjusting screens and colored lenses for different tasks. 
  
Sometimes this new hybrid battery works like a charm. Sometimes it doesn’t work at all. It’s far too nuanced for factory production. So while it remains in R & D, I’ll just keep plugging in, recharging, and making the most of the out of the battery life available.