Waiting

I have been waiting. I have been waiting on so much, for so long; waiting for my brain functioning to improve, waiting for a vaccine, waiting for pandemic to “end.” I’m tired of waiting. Life doesn’t wait. Nature doesn’t wait. Time doesn’t wait. I have spent far too much of my life waiting. Whether waiting for the “right time” or for certain people to “show up for me” when they were not emotionally equipped to do so and were never going to come through, I have spent far too much time and energy in my life waiting.

What have I learned while waiting? There are few perfect moments. There are no perfect people. Waiting can be valuable. Over the past two years I have done brain injury rehab, closed a business I dearly loved, got some much needed deep rest, developed life hacks to help manage ongoing TBI symptoms, and done a whole lot of grief work. Those things required patience and waiting that helped. Across life though, I have lost valuable time in the waiting trap.

Years ago my friend Michelle once gave a piece of advice that has helped me more times than I can say. She did not intend it as advice. She was simply stating one of her approaches to life and leadership: make a decision and keep moving. If it’s not the right decision, you make another decision, correct and keep going. This concept of risking failure as a acceptable outcome on the path to innovation was a revelation to me.  I had always been so cautious and would wait for that “perfect situation” or I would get stuck in “analysis paralysis.” So much time I’ll never get back. For many years now, when I can stay strong, I just keep making decisions. I hear Michelle’s voice and I just keep moving, keep trying, and keep going.

I am done waiting. Whether I have been waiting to get better, waiting on others, waiting on the perfect timing or have been stuck in anxiety induced procrastination, it’s time to climb out of the waiting trap. And climb out for good.

I can’t say what is next. For the first time in decades, I don’t have a high pressure, work driven goal with an associated strategic plan. What I do have now is time. I will use it to rebalance. I will use it to rebuild the tool bench I need for the next phase of life. It’s time to re-evaluate, rework, re-vision what life is going to look like.

For right now, that vision is to keep learning, growing, healing and writing. That vision is to rise up from depression and waiting, to curiously explore what this “new life” offers, embracing whatever new opportunities emerge from the ashes.

I’m reclaiming my time.