Re-entry

How are you doing with “re-entry?” Are you feeling good, ready to meet the world head on, or are you feeling anxious, over-stimulated and have a need to slow-it-down?

Remember the breathless, high blood pressure rat race of our previous prepandemic lives? I too remember the fast-paced, heart palpitating, nose to the grindstone hustle. That was life for years until the year before Covid when sustaining a brain injury had been like slamming into a wall at full speed. Life instantly slowed to a snails’ pace where sleep, re-learning to think, communicate, see and walk had become the focus. I was just barely returning to work on a part-time basis and trying to negotiate how to rebuild the business momentum we lost while I was out for so long. Then Covid hit and another huge life adjustment was required of us all.

Now fully vaccinated, sweet hubby and I have been having a few in-person activities with vaccinated friends: celebrating the ability to gather in small, vaccinated groups, celebrate a bridal shower and graduations, brunch. I have learned that I LOVE my friends even more than I remembered! Hugs are wonderful. Real, in person laughter is so good!

Initially I found myself stepping back a little, almost freaked out that they were in 3-D instead of Brady Bunch style Zoom squares. It is still a bit like some weird parallel universe mind trick! The pleasure, excitement and relief of being able to gather though, is a strange juxtaposition of joy and anxiety:

“Yes, I’d LOVE to get together! I can’t wait to see you!”

“Oh my, no, that was WAY too much!”

“Have mercy! How did I buy groceries, go to work, eat in restaurants and do group activities before this pandemic?”

“This is awesome! I have been waiting 15 months to hug you.”

“I love you. I’m so happy to see you! Please go away.”

My threshold for stimulation is low! After our first busy weekend of social events we were exhausted. Following a Sunday brunch we silently entered the house, walking straight to the bedroom where we lay down, just staring at the ceiling and listening to the silence while our vibrating bodies decompressed from the background noise; a cacophony of sound long absent from our daily experience. The joyful voices of sweet, hilarious, squeaky kids and from adults excited to see one another were both heart nourishing and way too much! We were thrilled to attend a graduation open house. It was so good to see friends. By the end though I was losing language and walking like a drunk. This was a big indicator that I had overstretched and a reminder that where brain injury is concerned, the cognitive fatigue of activity is cumulative.

One thing is certain, there is not going to be a “return to normal” no matter how hard we try. From economics to public health, to issues of equality, equity, and beyond, we are in a different place. I too am in a different place. I don’t love wearing a mask, yet I’ll continue to wear one out for a long time to come. I am not ready for dine-in restaurants. I tried and it’s too much immersion for me right now with current vaccination rates. I also need to update the list of indoor dining locales where the background environment doesn’t burn me to the ground. We have a long way to go. Fall will come, along with Covid variants.

This next transition creates space for prioritizing: energy, relationships, goals, the parts of life that hold the most meaning. The perfect opportunity to realign and make change is now. Due to living with a brain injury, I am always evaluating. Now I’m cutting through the noise with an eye to minimalism. Boundaries and priorities will be essential.

I want and need to stay connected. This clearly needs to be in smaller bites, smaller groups, and quieter spaces. My “busy” and “socializing” muscles are weak. I also have to push past the anxiety that has built up in me over the past 18 months without my realizing how much it really affected my desire to be in the world. I suspect a lot of us will have to do that.

I won’t be charging out into the world with the same high energy and consuming desire to be with my wonderful community. I don’t love less; I am not less invested or less interested. I am simply more caring: of myself, of our need to proceed with respect for others, to protect the safety of ourselves, our families and to keep myself well both from Covid and to manage a chronic health condition.

I know this “re-entry” looks and feels different to everyone. I’m so grateful to all those people who continued to work, keep our country safe and moving over the past 18 months. I am grateful for their sacrifices and adaptations that so many of us have benefitted from. We have so much to change and learn from as a result of their work and challenges.

However re-entry looks to you, feels to you, I hope you will take time to assess what to keep, what to leave behind, how to feel safe, to stay healthy and connected. We have a long way to go, and while we can’t go “back to normal” we can find a new one.